Lorraine Esposito Interview

You are welcome to another interview.

Lorraine Esposito is the author of a fast selling parenting book:
“The Morning Peacemaker,How to Get Your Kids Out the
Door on Time without Saying (nagging) A Word”.The book is the result of 10 years research and hands-on experience and has received endorsements and praise from the medical community.

Lorraine was raised in the rural mid-west of the U.S.A. Her belief in unlimited possibilities transformed poverty and obesity into wealth in all areas of her life.

Lorraine is open and genuine with an intuitive ability to see the solutions to problems. Her energy and wit are magnetic making her a dynamic and captivating speaker.

Happy reading…

Sikaz: What are the causes of teenage disrespect and how could it be stopped?

Lorraine: Disrespectfulness does not suddenly appear when a child hits the teenage years; it just seems that way. If you think about a disrespectful comment from a teen, for example telling you that he or she thinks your limits regarding the Internet are stupid,  it only seems like a big disrespect because the issues and language around this topic are serious and mature.

A whole lot of trouble awaits an unsuspecting teen on the Internet and so the issue is serious. Your teen’s courage to stand up to your authority, set boundaries of her own, and demand to have a voice in her freedom are signs of budding maturity. However, if you think back to an earlier time, you’ll find the same “disrespect” but back then the issues weren’t serious and your child had less maturity.

For example, remember a time when your child was, say five years old, I’m sure there were times you set limits on activities that weren’t always agreeable to her. When she was five years old her response might have been to cry, whine, or to even throw a temper-tantrum. We don’t see those expressions as so much disrespect, but rather tend to chock them off to bratty behavior. I believe the two instances are really the same but only packaged differently.

When I coach parents regarding disrespectful/bratty behavior at any age, I make sure they understand what they are truly looking at first, and then help them plan a course of action.

Conflicts are inevitable for two big reasons:

A child is a unique individual with emotions, beliefs, desires, frustrations, and thoughts of his own. Contrary to popular belief, children are not just little clones of their parents and therefore will naturally have a different spin on everything. The foundational beliefs may be similar (or not) but the details and “feel” of everything will be unique to him.

For example, the belief that the family’s needs come before others may be a foundational belief shared by both parent and child but the child may define word family differently than his parents. A child, especially a teen, may define family as any person with whom he feels a very close bond. A parent may adhere strictly to blood relationships when defining family. When a child’s friend/familis in need, he might prioritize differently than a parent expects which can create conflict.

The other big reason for conflicts is the need for a child to separate from her parents. Through conflicts/debates people often discover their individuality.A teen, though maturing, often does not have the skill to keep a debate out of the emotional realm.

Teens often lack the language skills and objectivity and feel frustrated and out maneuvered. I think that’s why teens resort to shocking and hurtful language. They are just big five year olds stomping their feet and calling you a “meanie.” For a teenager, it feels unfair to be over ridden in decisions of importance and he or she will feel the need to demand to be heard.

I believe it is impossible to stop conflicts and, to some degree, disrespectful behavior. A parent can be less affected by conflict and disrespect by reminding herself why it is happening and trying to see the situation as a sign of budding independence rather than willful contempt.

By allowing for this bigger view, the parent can defuse the emotions and allow room for the teen’s need to establish individuality. If a parent understands the differences between her and her child and respects her child’s need to be unique, there is a beginning to compromise and resolution. Kids are very intuitive and know when they are being understood even when disagreed with. Your child will see you as a comrade not an enemy so that when arguments happen they won’t be horrible; you will always treat your comrades with more respect than you would your enemies.

Sikaz: What is your advice for those who are planning to be parents one day?

Lorraine: The best advice I can give to future parents is to have no expectations of temperament or personality for their child. The biggest set back for parents and the root of many teenage battles are in the tightly held expectations a parent has for their child’s likes, dislikes, skills, and personality.

When a child presents a desire for something that is unexpected by the parent, a parent will attempt to steer the child toward something more expected. That creates an internal conflict within the child that might not be seen for years. The small child will believe the parent’s ideas of properness or acceptable desires are more valid than their own for a long while.

The child will suppress their own calling until one day it cannot be suppressed and explodes out in all directions. My advice is to approach this new little person with curiosity and wonder so that you are open and amazed at the unique character that is
presented to you.

Sikaz: What is your opinion about books, seminar and workshops on parenting?

Lorraine: I think books, seminars, and workshops on parenting are terrific if they are specific and provide real solutions to problems. I found all too often that the books and professionals I turned to for help only gave me good advice but failed to give me the tools to implement the advice.

I knew a lot about the concepts of parenting and the workings of a kid’s mind but I had no idea how to pull that knowledge into reality and make it mean something. I wasted so much time trying to make changes in my family relationships using the wrong tools. It’s like putting old wine in a new bottle.
That’s one big reason I wrote The Morning Peacemaker, because I found a way that works and I’ve shared the whole process, from beginning to end. I know that my method will not be the perfect fit for all families but it is a very comprehensive start. Think of it like a recipe for chocolate cake.

The other “good advice” books and professionals tell you to make a chocolate cake but giving you a list of ingredients and showing you a picture of the delicious cake. These professionals think they told you enough so that you could go out and make that cake on your own. WRONG! The recipe they gave doesn’t have the measurements of the ingredients or the steps for combining the ingredients.

The recipe doesn’t have the oven temperature or baking time either. Maybe you could make the cake from a list of ingredients and a picture, but it would take a whole lot of trial and error before you got it right.

With The Morning Peacemaker, the chocolate cake recipe is complete and any parent wishing for the result can stir together all the ingredients as directed to create the cake. After understanding the method/recipe, a parent is then free to add more chocolate or less sugar if she likes to make the cake just perfect for her family. So, I only recommend books, seminars, and workshops when the professional is willing to give the full recipe for the cake he or she is teaching us to make.

Sikaz: Are parenting coaches relevant and helpful to parents?

Lorraine: Parenting coaches are more than relevant; they are the way to go for most families.A coach, by definition, helps people do things better. A coach is action oriented and since change only happens when ideas are put into play, a coach is often the best resource for a family wanting to make changes.

I’m no different than any other type of coach you might have experience with, such as a basketball or golf coach. Just like those coaches, I find out what you want to make better and we practice the skills that will actually make it better. It is my experience that most counselors and psychologists are interested in talking, talking, talking but leave you with nothing to actually do at the end of your 45-minute session.

The next week you return to talk and talk and talk some more. I wasted years doing this. A great coach pulls the ideas into reality and gets you moving. For some families, the need for medical professionals is very real. If you’re dealing with mental illness or other clinical issues, parents are wise to seek the care of a trained physician but I still encourage parents to have a great coach too. One does not exclude the other but can often speed results.

Sikaz: Some parents seem to be neglecting their parenting activities for their career, what is your opinion on this and its effects on the society at large?

Lorraine: I believe that people always do the very best they can, even when they clearly are not. Sometimes people just lack knowledge or skill or even have an internal conflict that is causing chaos within them. The actions taken may not look like the best from an outsiders view but for that person, considering all she deals with, I believe her actions are the very best possible.

So, the key to balancing career and family to ensure that nothing and no one, including the parent herself, are short changed is to understand the real issues behind her actions. A parent that pours all her energy into career may simply be avoiding situations at home that she doesn’t understand or is afraid to tackle.

Knowledge and skills make choosing to be with family easier. Other families have little choice in the hours dedicated to earning money away from home. Single parents, too, have many burdens that pull and push. Being organized so that the time a parent has with her children is very productive will be enough to ensure her children are prepared to one day be productive members of society. Teaching and nurturing are about quality not necessarily quantity. It’s all about the skills and knowledge a parent has that enables her to be effective and happy with herself and her children.

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Dear reader,that’s about all in this interview.I hope you’ve enjoyed it just as l have.

You can visit Lorraine’s website at www.morningpeacemaker.com

Enjoy your parenting efforts.

Sikaz