Naomi Aldort Interview on Parenting

Sikaz: Could you tell us your name, location and age?

Naomi: Naomi Aldort is the author of the highly acclaimed book, Raising Our Children, Raising Ourselves. advice by phone, in person Parents from around the globe seek Aldort’s and by listening to her CDs and attending her workshops. Her advice columns appear in progressive parenting worldwide and translated to German, French, Hebrew, Dutch, Japanese, Chinese,
Indonesian, Spanish, Japanese and more.

Naomi Aldort is married and a mother of three. Her youngest son is sixteen-year-old cellist Oliver Aldort www.OliverAldort.com Her middle son is nineteen year old composer and self made pianist Lennon Aldort www.LennonAldort.com and the oldest, Jonathan Aldort, is a fourth year student and a writer.

For free newsletter, information on teleclasses, phone sessions and
products: www.NaomiAldort.com or, www.AuthenticParent.com

Sikaz: What is your opinion about parenting; is it worth it?

Naomi: Every experience in life is a worthy one for the person who is passionate about it and chooses it freely. Parenting is a very deeply engaging path and possibly the most satisfying. It helps us mature by moving us from the go-getter to the go-giver. If one were not ready to let go and discover the joy of giving and of surrender, it would be too difficult. The joy of caring for the life of another is the greatest fulfillment.

Sikaz: What is your opinion about breastfeeding?

Naomi: Breastfeeding needs no opinion. It is nature’s design for optimal growth, emotional wellbeing and intelligence. Every baby deserves to be breastfed on cue around the clock for as long as she wants, which is usually a few years. It boosts immunity, intelligence and optimal growth and development as well as secures emotional connection. For the mother is ensures that she bonds and stays physically close at all times.

Sikaz: What are the challenges of working and breastfeeding your baby?

Naomi: I do not recommend working and mothering unless the baby can be
with mother at all times and she is free to connect, care, relate and breastfeed. Babies need constant body contact with mother. Working mothers call me often for advice because their toddler or young child is being difficult. As soon as they stop working the difficulties vanish. The child
does not need money or things money can buy. The child simply needs her mother. I would live in a tent and sell my clothes to be with my child. Create a community, share housing, resources, and activities, and you won’t need to work away from your baby or young child.

Sikaz: What are the things one should look out for while choosing a nanny?

Naomi: Look for a loving person who is willing to learn and follow the mother and father’s ideas of parenting. Her own ideas might clash with what parents prefer for the child. She should read the same parenting books the parents choose.

Many of my clients give my book, Raising Our Children, Raising Ourselves, and some of  my CDs, to a new nanny and even bring her to their phone advice with me.A nanny should be with a child while the mother is close by, accomplishing something, but available if needed. Nanny should help the mother and, most of the time, not replace her.

Sikaz: Would you describe your older child’s experience when the younger child was born?

Naomi: My oldest son was present at his brothers’ births. He was very excited and loving when our middle child was born. Then, at the birth of our third child (also at home) my second child declared at the moment of birth: “The baby came out!” He was three and spent the birthing time jumping up and down near me, very happy and caring. My oldest, then seven, was the one who cut the umbilical chord. He was very involved and helpful. Both boys were enchanted by the baby. Now, as young adults and one teenager, they are best of friends.

Sikaz: How would you describe your typical day as a parent?

Naomi: In parenting that honors the children’s inner guide, there is no “typical.” Each day is different. Many hours of breastfeeding, feeding, caring, hugging and snuggling; taking walks to the playground and watching the children play or listening to them and drying their tears. The children led the way by their interests, passions, joys and struggles. I followed by leading the way to where they chose to go, play or study. Often they played all day, needing me for food, breastfeeding and physical care only. Other days I was engaged all day with reading, hiking, singing, solving disputes, dancing or watching their “shows.”

My book, Raising Our Children, Raising Ourselves, has many examples of the lives of parents and children, demonstrating how to bring peace, joy and contentment to every challenge: http://naomialdort.com/book.html. In addition, many of my personal parenting stories and those of parents participating in my workshops and phone sessions are available to listen to on CDs, which you can purchase here: http://naomialdort.com/audio-video.html

Sikaz: What is your personal opinion about teenage parenting?

Naomi: By the time the child is a teenager, it is time to let go and trust. It
is crucial to respect teens, allow them space to find who they are and to connect with society, while keeping close bond of care, interest and support. They become best of friends and seek our guidance, if we stay open, honest and respectful. A couple of the stories in the book are about teenagers and answer this question fully. http://naomialdort.com/book.html

Sikaz: What do you think could be done to stop teenagers’ involvements in violence and hard drugs?

Naomi: When children are cared for the way they need through their early years, they are content as teenagers and are busy making friends and becoming adults. Such happy teenagers do not engage in violence or drugs. Violence and drugs are the result of dissatisfaction and emotional pain. Therefore the answer is to heal their pain with love, understanding and meeting their true needs to belong, to connect and to feel valued and unconditionally loved.

The best is to prevent the teenagers from having so much anger and pain so they don’t need to express themselves through violence or to escape the pain through drugs. By studying my book, listening to my many CDs, attending my teleclasses, reading my advice columns and free newsletter, or taking private sessions, parents can learn to raise children who have nothing to rebel against and no anger or anguish to express in destructive ways. When children and teens feel content and connected, they behave well and flourish.

Sikaz: What are the causes of teenage disrespect and how could it be stopped?

Naomi: If we want teenagers to authentically feel a sense of respect for others and for life, we must respect them from the day they are born. They learn respect by being respected. If we control children, tell them what to do or say, interrupt their play, test them, patronize and shame or embarrass them, they will do the same as soon as they can, which is as teenagers. They are our mirrors. If they feel manipulated and controlled, they will show us their despair in ways we call “disrespect.” Instead of seeking respect, we must find out why a youth is so angry, bitter, or careless. Give a teenager space, yet stay caring, interested and connected.

However, even when we treat children with respect and care, as teenagers they sometimes become “allergic” to us. That’s as it should be and this is not
disrespect. We must not take ourselves so seriously as to need their respect.
Instead, we must have a sense of humor and respect for the confusing and difficult stage teenagers are going through. Much of what is called “disrespect” in teenagers, is not really disrespect. If we listen we can address the issue, and if there is no real issue, we can lighten up and have a sense of humor about their age appropriate antics. It is hormonal and transitional; it passes.

The expectation, “My teenager should respect me,” gets in the way of understanding the teenager’s valid reason to be the way he is. In addition, the thought “My teen does not respect me,” is not even true. If you respected his autonomy all along, he does respect you. Yet, this is not his time to show it to you on your terms and in your way. Expecting him to behave on your terms is actually disrespectful. Instead, read between the lines and realize that he can’t express it now and will come around if you trust and respect his process. He loves you and depends on your ability to
flow with his temporary clumsy social skills with you.

A teenager is biologically set-up to be put off by his parents. It is a transition
from being someone’s daughter or son, to being an adult member of society. Teenagers must go through this phase, sometimes with more fanfare and sometimes more sweetly. If we show some understanding rather than judging, teenagers move on and turn back to us when they feel that we see them as equal.

When expecting a teen to be who he is not, we create anger and disconnection. Without such expectation, we can see what he is going through and I realize that it is up to us to respect him and to understand, support and connect with him where he is. A teenager is much more likely to seek parental advice and listen, when the relationshipis void of pressure and manipulation. Kindness and understanding keep the teen close to you at heart, even when he doesn’t show it. Instead of dictating your standards, listen to your teenager.

Sikaz: What is your advice for those who are planning to be parents one day?

Naomi: To have a good time so they don’t feel as though they miss something when the children come along and they can’t do much with themselves. There is not much that they can learn in advance. Having children is always a surprise experience no matter how well you are prepared. But, if they want to learn in advance, reading my book, Raising Our Children, Raising Ourselves can be a great preparation,
http://authenticparent.com/ Before they have children, they will grasp the book from the point of the view of the child, remembering how it was for them as children and understanding what nurtured them and what was painful. This will make the path of parenting much clearer.

Sikaz: What is your opinion about books, seminars and workshops on parenting?

Naomi: As an author of a parenting book, Raising Our Children, Raising Ourselves, http://authenticparent.com/ I have seen the amazing impact it has on parent-child relationships and on bringing peace and joy to family life. In addition I have seen the impact of counseling http://naomialdort.com/guidance.html and workshop and have  hundreds of testimonials to support the value of reading, listening and attending
my workshops http://naomialdort.com/interviews.html and family intensive retreats, http://naomialdort.com/family-retreat.html

The truth is, no one knows how to be a parent. People learn all other vocations but somehow it is expected that this most difficult of all challenges would just come to us naturally. Parents are shocked to discover that it is not so. They need to understand psychology, the human spirit, trust, child development and mostly, how to let their sown ego get out of the way.

Before you have a child, bring yourself to a point where you are not interested to shape a child into someone YOU want her to be. Be ready to marvel the child for who she is becoming of her own. Therefore choose books and workshops that do not teach old ideas of control (even praise is control and manipulation,) and conditional love. Find those, like my own book and seminars that teach the peaceful way of loving children unconditionally so they can be the best of themselves, not out of fear or a need to get your love, but because they want to, of their own free will.

Sikaz: Are parenting coaches relevant and helpful to parents?

Naomi: If they are supportive of respect, trust and growth, they are enormously valuable!! The difference it makes in the lives of parents and children is substantial. I offer parents coaching by phone internationally
http://naomialdort.com/guidance.html. I offer advice and also deep self-realization work through parenting (when they want to.) You can find the information for these phone sessions on my site.

The cultural idea the parents shouldn’t seek guidance prevents many parents from getting the coaching they need, or from wanting to invest in their own education in parenting. Young parents are likely to spend easily on toys, pizza or other outings, yet they often see themselves as unable to afford a workshop.

Interestingly, it is the more competent parents who often ask for coaching. Realizing that they don’t know is what propels these wise parents to seek guidance. We must start with basic humility: We don’t know the mystery of the unfolding human being. We must learn on the job and coaching can make a world of difference. It takes maturity and wisdom to realize that we don’t know, and it takes courage and humility to seek guidance.

Parents who call me for advice or counseling, either want answers to specific issues, or they want to self-realize and grow through parenting. I provide whatever they seek and their lives and their children’s lives are transformed. They bring peace, joy, and freedom to everyday interaction with their children and loved ones.

Some people say that parenting advice should come from elders in the family. It used to be this way, when society was cyclical and traditions were kept unchanged. Today most parents depart from the old ways. If they assume they know, or if they are swept in mainstream trends, they will eventually find themselves helplessly confused and puzzled by the difficulties that parenting presents. Seeking guidance is a wise choice and the greatest gift to both parent and child.

Sikaz: Some parents seem to be neglecting their parenting activities for their career, what is your opinion on this and its effects on the society at large?

Naomi: All parents love their children. If you ask them, even if they work a lot, they don’t see themselves as “neglecting” their children. Yet, there is nothing children need more than their parents presence and involvement. Money cannot buy time with mom and dad. A child needs her parents; not a substitute. In the early years she needs uninterrupted contact with her mother. No matter how wonderful the nanny or the daycare, it is a part time “orphanage.” It is not what the child needs. No one loves the child like his own parents. Nature made no mistake providing parents to every child. Society at large is greatly impacted by the trend of substitute care
for children.

When children are raised by anyone other than their parents, their need for a one-on-one intimate, deep, loving and physical connection is missing. The incredible amount of violence, addictions, depression and other emotional dysfunctions are a direct result of growing up with the unexplainable sense of lack that comes from growing up short on intimate connection with one’s parents.

One way to grasp the meaning of this distortion of nature is to recall the impact of premature birth. For nine month the baby MUST be inside the mother’s uterus. Shortening this time even a little has serious consequences for the child’s wellbeing.Like the womb for the first nine-month, the mother child connection is the next natural phase.

When a mother gives birth naturally and without separating from the newborn; when she breastfeeds on cue and holds her baby in arms at all times, including co-sleeping; she will not be able to leave her baby with another. Breastfeeding on cue (can be every fifteen minutes) and uninterrupted physical closeness is nature’s way to create a bond that is not breakable. It is the way nature insures that the baby and young child will have his primal needs for uninterrupted connection with his mother, fully met.

We can easily be fooled to believe that little toddlers and children in substitute care are thriving. This is because they learn to give up what they truly need (they have no choice) and live up to our expectations. But something is missing. Many childhood difficult behaviors are a direct result of the missing uninterrupted connection with parents.

As they grow older, they might seek that missing bond in food, drugs, shopping, co-dependent relationships, compulsive sex, and other “substitutes,” without knowing what drives these behaviors. In the process, a very competitive society is created; one of seeking the illusive missing link and competing for getting it and for selling all these substitutes. This leads to trends of domination, greed and disconnection.

Societies, whose children’s primal needs are fully met, grow up into peaceful and happy people who have no need to compete, dominate or control but rather enjoy cooperation and peaceful connections.

This entry was posted on January 17, 2010 at January 17, 2010 and is filed under Interview. You can follow any responses to this entry through the RSS 2.0 feed.